Scope for the Imagination

There's a reason that I keep Chris around. :) It never fails that when I'm frustrated with the male species, infuriated at being ignored, tearing myself apart because I'm not pretty enough, charming enough, slender enough and too "smart" to be attractive to anyone, he comes and reminds me that while I might not have the romantic aspect, I have at least one guy who thinks I'm important enough to make me a priority in his life. It's kinda nice to be reminded that it's not entirely me that's the problem.

We went out for Indian food and then to a movie (Bourne Ultimatum, which was fabulous. Seriously. Matt Damon is hot (36 and not one crowfoot wrinkle. I was checking) and I want Julia Stiles' hair), so I guess I did get my date and male company after all. :)

Jared did finally get back to me today. By text message. Which I think is the lamest, cop-out way of communication ever invented. What a great way to tell the other person that you're not even worth a 5 minute phone conversation. I think this will be the last time I ask him to anything. I'm going to still try to find someone for Friday night, but pickings are slim in my ward so we'll see how it goes.

Venting is a very good thing. Can't say that it made the troubles go away, but I do feel like I may have a little bit of a game plan (yes, I'm being vague, perhaps more details in the future).

Have to give a presentation on a paper tomorrow. Haven't found the paper yet. Plus I have clinic. Gosh, I love Tuesdays.

Still loving the ICU (for real, no sarcasm here), but it's freaking me out. Starting to sink in that I'm the one "in charge." Even though I have a fellow as backup, he's not always there, and if something goes wrong, I'm expected to step up and direct and manage until he gets there. Plus I have 2 fourth year students that I'm responsible for... and they're making decisions that I have to constantly evaluate to make sure they are appropriate. Plus, I have to know about every patient on the team, which even though it's a small team right now (3 patients. 1 consult. 2 of the patients are palliative. All that equals no fun, no procedures for Julia), these patients have been here a long time and that's a lot of reviewing that I have to do. I've already "messed" up once, where my student wrote an order that I should have questioned more closely and didn't, leading to extra invansive procedures on an already sick guy.

And now, I really have to go track down an article to talk about.

It's probably wrong to be interested in my medical student.

The med student that I'm responsible for, look after, teach, who looks up at me with adoring eyes because I impart so much knowledge *snerk*.

Wrong. Very wrong.

That's why I'm not.

Nope, not at all.

*goes back to daydreaming* In two weeks, I won't be his intern... ooo, possibilities.



BTW, my presentation? That I've spent most of the week fretting/working on? Trashed. It somehow got corrupted this morning. Fabulous. So it's going to be a long night. Bah.

There was a reason that God made me short (besides the fact that both my parents are short and genetics and all of that). It was to prevent me from going up to very cute guys and just planting one on them!

Because, lemme tell you, if I had had those two or three extra inches, there would have been nothing to prevent me from leaning over and kissing Matt the First very attractive, thin lips. Nothing. However, since I knew that I'd have to lean over on tiptoes (and would most likely tip over), I reigned the urges in.

The boy is still gorgeous. And I'm still pouting mad that absolutely nothing came of all the flirting. I mean, that boy had my best efforts just given to him!

Ah, well. I kissed that crush goodbye a while ago--figuratively, only. *pout*

Went up to the school today to talk to the neurology folks about what I'll be doing on Monday, since I still haven't heard anything (they didn't even know that I was registered for the rotation until Monday. I had to go up and show them how to flip a sheet of paper over. Nice.). And they were all out of the office. It was 2:45 in the afternoon. You would think that since they hardly ever get anybody applying to neurology that they'd be working overtime to make sure that things were smooth sailing. *snort* Yeah, just not feeling the love. I've definitely started to wonder if it really is worth all of the effort doing the combo program (Internal Med and Neuro) when Int. Med. will probably provide me with whatever I need in my career and I like it.

The new Health Science Center is completed, and I took a quick tour around there. It's the new education building for the medical, pharmacy and dental students. Wow, I'm very impressed. Lots of windows and big cosy couches--perfect for the afternoon nap--er, studying, I mean. I wish it had been completed earlier. It's so weird to think that I am now a fourth year and will be done with all of this in less than a year.

And donnazita comes to see me tomorrow! I'm so excited!

It's been one of those days/weeks. I got a parking ticket today. I was late for rounds this morning--rounds that I had to present at, and decided to risk parking in visitor parking, and got caught. *sigh* My wallet was already looking very pitiful....

It's also been one of those weeks where I've been doing a lot of thinking--not a good combination with little sleep. But it's something that I need to get down on paper, so *gestures*. Three things happened this weekend--and for being on call on Saturday and Sunday, and not one of them being work related, that's pretty impressive--three things that started this rumination. I guess to have a better understanding, a little back history is needed.

( The Plethora, Chris, and The Boy )

Everwood was phenomenal. I think I'm still weak in the knees. Becks, there's clips up already at http://www.shippwrecked.org/somethingmore/--medium quality, but I'm hoping that they'll be posting some good ones somewhere soon. I'm holding you to that video!

Tomorrow is (hopefully) my last call night at the ICU. It's been a rather incredible experience, and I've learned so much. Friday, I'll have to do a big post, summarizing my experiences. Remind me.

Heart, don't fail me now. Courage, don't desert me.

*picks up phone*



ETA: Negative, Ghostrider, that pattern's full.

He has to work.

It is a ... jolting experience to go to the wedding reception of the man you dreamed your whole life to marry.

I'm not sure yet if I recommend it to anyone.

His walk is different... the army trained that patent saunter out. And his voice no longer carries the hint of Australian drawl that he obtained the two years he lived there (thankfully--that voice was irresistible enough). But he hasn't changed much in looks and I had these weird feelings of being trapped between two "me"s. Folks, I think we just succeeded in time-travel. And it's not pleasant.

We have nothing to talk about anymore. That helps. He didn't even ask me anything about what was going on in my life, so I didn't even have the opportunity to flaunt my successes (well, not really, flaunt per se)... Maybe that's what I'm most bummed about. I spent most of the reception talking to *her* parents and sisters (one of them is a good friend of mine... Why does the world always have to be small when it concerns him??). They were nice and it passed the time, talking about what I do.

His bride is nice. Cute, but not so unbearably beautiful that you keep wondering if he only married her for her looks. She seems sweet, but I do admit to stifling a disbelieving glance when he stated proudly that she now sells Mary Kay products. Just another sign.

All is good. I survived and wished them sincere, hearty congratulations.

And that's that.

It's been a while since I updated this journal for real. Every time, I start to post a message, something comes up and I'm swept away. I wish that it meant that I was being productive, you know, finish formatting my website, writing on my next chapter, studying for the next upcoming test. No, usually not, just little things that waste my time. Grrr.

I hope everybody had a nice Valentine's Day, regardless of their attachment status. Becka, I was thinking of you and hoping that your day went better than you thought it would. How was your cake?

I went out to dinner with a bunch of first years women that I've studied with. The restaurant was so crowded, full of simpering couples--we had to wait an hour to get a table. Now, to be completely honest, I've never had a "relationship" go beyond a second date, so I've never celebrated VD with anybody special. So it may just be my singleness talking, but to me, it seems like such a cheap, over-sentimental holiday that there's not a part of me that is dying to have a significant other to celebrate with... I don't know, maybe it's the flowers that wins them over, but I just don't see the point. Although, I have a soft spot for the conversation hearts, they make me laugh.

Dinner was good for the most part... Good Italian food (Shrimp, spinach, mushrooms and pine nuts in lemon butter over pasta...Could you create a better dish?), good conversation, good people. Only one moment dulled the evening. One woman brought her friend, a fellow nurse whose name I've completely spaced, and apparently they're trying to set her up with some of the (few) single guys in their class. And one of those guys they are considering is Matt. When I heard his name, my stomach lurched, my heart started beating twofold, and I know I was blushing bright enough to light a fire.

Who is Matt, you are asking? A long story and one that I haven't talked about in a long time, but last night really disturbed me and I need to get it off my chest, so you, my poor readers, will get to hear about Matt, more than you probably wanted to know.

I met him around two years ago, when I was working in a lab before I started medical school. I didn't even notice him for probably the first two months that I was there... He only worked a couple of days a week for a few hours, I barely saw him and I don't think we said more than hi for ages. He's pretty quiet and shy if you don't know him. But we finally started talking and it suddenly dawned on me that he was cute (and he is, horribly good-looking. And I didn't even realize it for the first six months that I knew him, I'm that dumb sometimes) and we had such a good time talking that before you knew it I was hooked.

I started medical school right when he started applying, so I kept in contact with him after I quit working. Rarely saw him, but we had a lot of fun email conversations, which added fuels to the flame.

Anyway, shortening this really boring story (I have such a hard time talking about my flings and crushes, that it all comes out forced and trite), he started going to my school, I saw him a little more, and it finally started to sink in that he wasn't interested and he wasn't going to be interested, so I did the whole "purge and move on" thing that I've almost perfected, I've done it so much. Unrequited love... Yeah, I'm writing a user guide on it.

Or at least I thought I had perfected that talent. The thought of him dating someone else made me positively green, and I so hated that girl. She's too old for him anyway.

It would be laughable if it wasn't so pathetic. I mean, it's been almost two years... Two freaking years. Granted, I've set the record for the longest crush--Erik, eight years--but that was mostly in high school and I can cut that some slack because it was the first crush and he was the only nice guy in my entire school. But I thought I had matured some since then.

And so now, I'm obsessing, I can't get him out of my mind, which shows even greater maturity. And he was in my dreams last night... another bad sign.

On a good note, I noted a guy who looked strikingly like Jess... Believe me, I did a double take and was disappointed in reality. But... thick, wavy hair that stood up, short and lean. Yeah, his date probably didn't understand why I was shooting daggers at her either!