jcd1013: ('puter - meh)
Theoretical question. If you were a guy (or if you are a guy, I have a few of those on my flist *hugs my manly friends*) and a woman called you up and invited you to a dinner and a movie, emphasizing as she did so, that it was a date (I believe my exact words were "I'm getting a group together to go out to dinner and to see the new movie Stardust, and I'd like you to be my date"), would you wear a teeshirt and khaki shorts and not shave for 2 days?

Now, I may have been spoiled by my friendship with Chris, who keeps Banana Republic singlehandedly in business, but uh, really, I thought it was more than just Miss Manners preaching to put a little bit of effort into an evening out. Granted, he was post call, I do make allowances, but still.

So there you have my first impression of the evening: not impressed at all.

Okay, I'm being a bit unfair and setting the evening up as a total failure. Which it wasn't. We had a good time at the restaurant and the food was good (Indian. The Chicken Tandoori was very dry but improved with some of the sauces. The Chicken Tikka Masala was much better, although I have had better. Bombay House for you Utah people. ). I tried very hard not to talk just about medicine (which since it is my life was very hard) and we found a lot of stuff in common and time quickly passed; we actually had to race to the movie. The movie, Stardust, was fabulous and we were both rolling in laughter. And I looked beautiful (for a human). I did. I don't think very positively about myself very often, but I don't think I can look better than that.

Jared apparently raved about the evening to his roommates. Both of them came up to me (one practically leapt across the foyer to talk to me, which I found a wee bit amusing as we've had very little to talk about before this) and asked me how our date was, which I thought was promising. And better yet, they actually used the word "date," so I was somewhat reassured that the message had gotten across.

But he barely talked to me today. Well. I guess that says it all.

I told myself that I wasn't going to have any expectations. And I did manage to squelch most of them. But there's still that romantic bit that refuses to give up that had hoped, so hoped that maybe, just maybe he would the guy who would find me interesting enough, attractive enough to push for one more date to get to know me better. And that part of me is undeniably hurt tonight.

Geez, I'm crying now.

This isn't about Jared. I really barely know him, and now I know just a few more small talk things about him. He likes much of the same types of movies as me, has 5 younger brothers and sisters, grew up in Idaho and is, at least when it comes to health care, a Republican (which made me shudder. While I am a moderate, I'm a flaming liberal with my ideas about health care reform). That's it. But I had hoped for a chance to learn more.

I know, I know the old saying that love comes when you are least expecting it. To stop looking and it will find you. And all I see is years that I've been alone, where I haven't been looking and it hasn't come, and a future that doesn't appear to be changing.

I've always stocked my unattractiveness to the fact that I'm overweight. Medically, at this point, I'm at least 30 pounds overweight. That's not getting me to a skinny weight, that's just to the high end of a healthy weight. I've told myself since high school, since junior high that one of the many reasons that I didn't have the dates or even a dance was because I was fat. I found my high school yearbook and I was astonished. I broke down in tears looking at those pictures. I wasn't fat back then. I was average and I was beautiful. So if I am successful about losing the weight, which I am working so hard to do, it's really not going to change anything. Because I'll still be me.

I don't know what to do better. I don't know how to make myself more "dateable". I'm trying so hard to have faith, to believe in God's plan for me, that He is watching out for me, but being surrounded by blissfully happy couples, and not even getting a chance, I'm struggling.

I know that when compared to the challenges that others have to go through, of poverty, illness, abuse, abandonment, true obesity, hunger, death, etc, this is pretty minute. I know. I meet people every day who face more suffering and trials that I've ever had to see in my protected life, and they do so, with the grace and strength that I hope someday to possess. I feel little and selfish and ridiculous that I'm in tears because some boy didn't live up to the fantasies that I had imposed, which makes me feel even worse about everything.

In a few days, I'll laugh at myself again, and go on living the life, and will try to ignore those stabs of loneliness and longing and be back to my normal self. For now, I'm allowing myself a little bit of moping and tears.

***

In other news, the sore throat and earaches are completely gone today. And I've started the process of moving my blog over to wordpress to make a family acceptable version that will at least keep them updated in what I'm doing in my life. It seemed like the best compromise, because I really need to keep one place where I can vent and not have to filter. The nicest thing about wordpress? You can edit your comments! It's a beautiful thing.
jcd1013: (Red hair)
I get my haircut in a hour for my fist and most likely last date with Jared tonight.

I'm a little frustrated right now. My initial plans was to turn this into a mirror of the Plethora's Date Night, and have a group here go. But slowly, everybody started weedling out. Last to go was Sarah who texted me and told me that she couldn't find a date. I'm so frustrated with the boys our age that she couldn't find one guy, one guy who was willing to have some fun. So it's just Jared and I, which is fine, except that I work better in a small crowd and I'm afraid that once again, this is turning into into something that appears like it's a Big Deal. However, I have talked to him a few times this week, giving him plenty of opportunity to back out and he's refused to, so maybe things will still be alright.

But I did go shopping for clothes and really found some great things for work and for tonight, including this absolutely wonderful skirt and sweater that I can not wait for autumn to come so I can wear it. Plus.. I'm down a size. :) It's amazing what a 5 pound weight loss can do. The gym and the better eating is starting to pay off. Slowly. Oh, ever, so slowly. But that's the best way, so we'll keep plugging away.

I'm still leaning to getting my haircut like Julia Stiles as pictured here. What do you think? It's pretty much how I always get my hair cut, but it's longish and I should be finally able to blend in my growing-out bangs that are now just beyond my nose. I'm still undecided about the highlights. I guess I'll see what they manage to talk me into when I go.

And I finally went to the doctor today. I've had the sore throat and earaches for 3 weeks now and I wasn't getting better. I mean, I got over the worst of it 8 days in, but it was still bad enough that it was affecting my sleep and I had difficulty swallowing at night. My chief resident was the one who examined me and gave me grief for taking three weeks to see a physician.Yeah, I know. Negative for strep, but I'm exposed to enough bacteria on a daily basis that we both felt it wise to get a prescription. It's kinda funny being on the patient side of thing--I was able to give him my complete history with review of systems in 5 minutes (sore throat for 3 weeks, minimal cough and upper respiratory symptoms, fever the first week, none since then, no lymphadenopathy, no exudate, erythema in the back of my throat, no difficulty breathing, no history of GERD), he examined me for 2 minutes, wrote me out the prescription and we were done. Hopefully the antibiotics will make me feel magically better--if they don't, then I'll know that it really truly is viral and I'll just wait until I get better. I hate wait.

Wish me luck tonight, guys? Three and a half years since I did this... I'm going to need it.

better

Jul. 30th, 2007 07:19 pm
jcd1013: (LOTR - paths to tread)
I feel 130% better than yesterday. Woke up this am with barely a cough, the sore throat decreased to a slight nag and no ear ache! No need for antibiotics after all. Life is sweet again.

Or at least, until I started going through the licensing paperwork again so that I can become a RealDocâ„¢. I started working on it back in April, got overwhelmed by the amount of paperwork and let it sit and mold. Oops. Paperwork is still there, and now there's all the pressure to get it done and get it done now. It's so confusing, so expensive (I'm out $1000, just looking at the application), and the amount of stuff that I need notarized is crazy. I guess it's good that I have to go through this, to prevent any Joe Blow from pretending that he's a physician, but ugh. I have to have it all done by December, and it take "30-60 days for processing" which, I've already learned the hard way, is Wisconsin 60 days: 60 days plus 30 days to decide if we need to audit and 10 more days to tell you that we've audited and 30 days to audit and another 30 to tell you that we're done auditing and 3-4 weeks for shipping (stupid Wisconsin Tax Revenue. Still waiting for my tax refund here). So that doesn't leave me with a lot of time.

Off to the grocery store. I'm finally feeling up to making all of my Indian and Thai food so I need to get the rest of the ingredients. Ta!

Thanks again to all for the good, healthy wishes!
jcd1013: (XF - medical opinion)
I've finally decided that after 8 days, I am really, truly sick and most likely have either strep throat (my throat developed plaques today. Nice!) and an ear infection and need antibiotics. Of course, I make this decision at 10 pm, after all of the walk in clinics and pharmacies are closed, so I can't do anything about it until tomorrow. Where I still have to go to work and won't be able to see a doctor/get those antibiotics until sometime tomorrow evening. The thought of dealing with this ear/throat pain all day tomorrow is making me cry...

This folks, is why doctors need doctors of their own. Because while we take excellent care of our own patients, we're pretty lousy about taking care of ourselves. I've tried to convince myself all week that it was just a cold and ignored that voice inside that said "maybe not" when my symptoms didn't quite match up.

*BIG HUGS* to those out there in friendsland who are going through difficulties. I'm sorry that I haven't been there for you as I should have, but you have been in my thoughts and prayers.
jcd1013: (LOTR - Hands of a Healer)
I'm so tired of being sick. I'm on day 7 of the Killer Virus and it really hasn't gotten much better. The fevers/chills/hallucinations are thankfully gone but I've still got the burning throat, aching ears and hacking cough and the Dayquill aint' doing nothing. If I didn't know in my little doctor heart since I don't have a fever, exudate, lymphadepathy I don't have a serious infection, I'd seriously be considering writing myself some antibiotics. And possibly some guaifenesin with codeine. I splurged on NyQuil since I finally will be able to sleep in tomorrow. Hopefully, a full night of sleep will turn me into a new person. But I swear, if it doesn't improve by morning, I'm going to be one of those awful people and drop by the ER for a nonemergency, to get a rapid strep done.

Chris call this morning with the offer of visiting. I looked around at my pile of used kleenex (a word to the snifflers. Splurge on lotioned, brand name Kleenex. Your nose will thank you), dishes and dirty clothes and begged off. :( Hopefully he'll have the entire weekend off next weekend and we'll find a festival or something to experience.

I lurched myself off the couch at some point and tracked down a Oriental market, where I have bought supplies so that I can make Tom Kha Gai soup, Larb, Chicken Saab, and Chicken Masala and fresh spring rolls over the next several days. So excited. Why the sudden urge for Thai/Indian food?? While I've been convalescing, I've gotten pretty involved in reading this blog: Six in the World, which is about a fix who took a year off and travelled around the world, which sounded pretty amazing. As in, I almost started planning my trip, until reality set in again. Yeah, won't be doing that for many more years to come. I started getting really hungry when they were talking about all of the great Thai food and the Thai cooking classes, which caused me to remember the spices that Chris had brought back for me from Thailand and the recipes from his cooking lessons... so now I'll be making Thai food and experimenting with Indian. Yummy!

And the last thing, before I drift off (hopefully) in drug-induced sleep. I have an infestation of fruit flies. Darn things are smaller than the holes in my screens. Any ideas of how to get rid of them??
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