jcd1013: (Everwood - Perfect day)
I decided to make a list. I don't know why.

- Crush news (which right now, is ever so much more interesting than patients and their neuroanatomy): He has a freckle on his right ear lobe, and a faint, thin scar down his right middle finger. His hair curls across his forehead (it's such a good thing that these many many years have trained restraint!) and he's had his beard for as long as he's been a resident here (as evidenced by his name badge) which manages to hide a very small dimple and I can't find adjectives to describe his blue eyes. And he has really bad breath post call. Oh, and he owes me big time for doing his discharge summary for him. Am I wonderful or what?

- I had a wonderful weekend. Saturday night, when I woke up from the post call coma, I went to the symphony with one of the neurosurgery residents. Mahler. My dad used to love Mahler, but until Sat. night, I never understood why. I'm now addicted. Absolutely lovely.

- Sunday I went to watch conference at my bishop's house, which is always a spiritually uplifting time. Pres. Hinckley is still looking amazing for his 95+ years. One of the guys there hugged me and reminded me that it was exactly one year since we had met. I had forgotten. I thought that was sweet.

- It was the first day off that Chris and I have had off together in 2 months, so I drove up to Madison and spent the afternoon and evening with him, fixing his bike, eating Vietnamese food, and digging through all of his music collection. I came home with 300+ new songs and all of his pictures from Ireland and Scotland. Scotland was incredibly gorgeous from his pics... I guess I'd better add that back to the list of Must-Go places.

- Chris broke up with his girlfriend. And didn't tell me until I pressed. Okay, I think I overlooked a big dropped hint earlier in the evening, when we were putting together pictures for a framed collage, but still. *sigh* Anyway, we had a great talk sitting on a park bench overlooking the lake. I told him about the many dating woes of the past two months. He thinks I'm missing clues (I think that no reciprocation and avoidance of conversation afterwards speaks volumes). He's thinking about taking up Match.com dating, which I can't wait to see how that goes. :)

- I'm still really bad at music guessing games. Apparently I need to listen to more Phish and Eagle Eyed Cherry(ies?).

-He beat me on the word games as well. The Word of the Day emails are not helping.

-I'm not on call again until Saturday. !!!

-The Seeker has gotten terrible reviews and didn't do so well at the box office. Maybe that will stop any sequels.

-Still can't figure out exactly what you do on Facebook, but at least it lacks the ads and spam of Myspace. Am trying to collect friends like mad over there. Perhaps I will make a trophy wall with all of my friends. I guess I need to add more photos, or so a little bird told me.

-I'm reading New Moon right now, as I finished Twilight a few weeks ago on call (man, I miss the ICU call). Liked Twilight, although spent a majority of the book irritated at the heroine and her love interest. I'm really looking forward to reading this, after mulling over [livejournal.com profile] valancy_s's recent posts about why we go for vampires.

-Congrats to Michelle and Kelly! Maybe, hopefully, I'll be able to see this little one before he/she's 40 (are you going home for Christmas?)

-I love Matchbox Twenty. This new album is just gorgeous as always.

- You all are watching Friday Night Lights, right? You'd better be. Best show on TV right now. I'm watching it online, so what's your excuse?

-Clinic tomorrow. Only 3 patients. Maybe I'll actually finish on time (and possibly get my notes done, that would be amazing).
jcd1013: (Dr Who - Samba)
When my family came and visited, I introduced my sister to Doctor Who. She watched the whole first season while she was here and then, I, being the wonderful sister that I am, lent her the second season. She finished it, loved it appropriately and mailed it to me last Tuesday. Priority. It's now A WEEK LATER and I still don't have it.


I'm about to start a search party. With torches and flyers. Who's with me? My poor DVDs. Luckily, she insured them, but, oh my babies! *sniff* I'm going through withdrawals! I tried to watch my X-Files DVDs last night to make up for the loss, but I'm on the early part of season 4 and the episode was Home, which I have to fastforward anyhow because it's too disturbing (I'd skip it entirely, but it has some of the best Mulder/Scully snark of the entire season) and it just didn't make me feel light hearted and schmoopy. And I'm in the mood for some DW schmoopiness. Either that or dance movies. I got a hankering to do a Strictly Ballroom/Shall We Dansu/Shall We Dance (should I add in Havana Nights, Liz?) marathon. I'm not entirely sure what's wrong with me.


It's my last week on the "easy rotations," my last weekend free for 3 months. I'm looking forward to next month, I'll be in the medical ICU, but it will be Q4 call and they will be very busy calls and very long hours, so it'll be back to the grind. I just got an email with the 18 page orientation document. 18 pages of "Thou Shall Not's" which is just succeeding in making me irate. Nothing like treating a bunch of professional physicians as junior high schools, where we're threatened with "disciplinary action" if we miss a conference.

Oh and to add to the fun, I'll be taking Step 3 the day after I finish the rotation. The day after. When I tried to register for it this month, they were completely booked, I even looked as far as Urbana Ill and nothing. So, all of my free time this next month will be spent craming. Even more fun! Oh, and I'm still doing the whole application thing for my license. Yeah, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed.

I'm off to the gym, as my attendance will be sharply decreasing next month. I was doing great, down another pound, until this morning, when I stepped onto the scale and it put me back to my starting weight. The scale has been banished forthwith.

ETA: So as I step out of my house to go to the gym, I catch a flicker of movement. Tiny movement. Of a mouse scampering into the foliage right next to my house. And of course, right next to the sidewalk to my garage. I already battled a huge moth in the shower today (in the shower!!) and lost, so I've been a little edgy most of today. So I ran down my sidewalk to my car, having these horribly fantasies that the mice are invading my house--I haven't seen any evidence of them inside, and I've had enough mouse problems in the past that I know what to look for... but, I don't know how that moth got inside either.

Continuing. I get back from working out, open up my garage door, and there, on my sidewalk, is a huge, dead squirrel. The size of a toy dog. Dead. I don't know if it got poisoned or missed a limb, but it's dead. Right outside my garage. I let out a shrink, slammed the door and am now parked out front and sitting on the couch shuddering.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't touch rodents. I can't. Live, dead, it doesn't matter. Irrational, I know, but I'm afraid that they're going to jump at me. I guess I'm going to have to be girly and see if my next door neighbor can help me out. Either that or one of the church guys. And I think I'm going to have to get a visit from the Orkin man, because I am not having a mouse infestion this winter. Anybody have any experience with a pest controller, as in a price range?

ETA #2 And it's supposed to down pour tonight. Which means I'll have soggy squirrel to deal with in the morning. Oh, and my trash is being emptied in the morning, which would be an ideal time to get rid of the thing. If I could just force myself to get rid of it! *cries*
jcd1013: (XF - panic face)
Duchovny's new "X-Files" movie should start shooting later this year, he said, directed by "X-Files" creator Chris Carter.

"I've had no compunction about being tied to that character," Duchovny said of his Agent Mulder alter ego. "I doubt I'll ever again play a part as popular as he was."

From here

That sounds like real confirmation. Doesn't it?!? *sigh* They really have perfected stringing the fans along.

(And no, I won't be watching his latest tv series. The speedo was more than enough for me thank you. :) )

Also, Amazon has the X-Files DVDs on sale for less than $25 dollars a season. I've been waiting for this sale for a year now and I know a few people out in friendland were as well.
jcd1013: (Default)
The Dark Is Rising movie looks as awful as I feared. A LOTR ripoff and completely missing the point of the novels (I've been horrified ever since I heard that they were Americanizing it). I try really really hard not to be a literary snob, where I sniff at every change that they make from book to movie, but. But. *sigh*

Trailers can be found here
jcd1013: (Read - pause from the world)
Found at [livejournal.com profile] bookish

Re: Ella Enchanted

The movie is one of my favorite movies ever! I actually wore out the DVD watching it...

The book is good as well, but it's so very different from the movie. It's much darker, and the plot is quite different. It's still a really good book, but if you go into it thinking it's going to be like the movie, you will be disappointed.

Ah yep. *sigh* The only good thing about that movie was that it only cost me a dollar and was truly one of the best mock fests that Liz and I have had. "Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights" probably squeezes by a hair, but otherwise... My friend Brooke put it best in her blog, when she was talking about her ten favorite children's books that ought be made into movies, with Ella as her first choice: "Yeah. And let's get it right this time."

Question. Name me one movie that you liked better than the book. I'm really curious, because I can't come up with much.
jcd1013: (C&H-Never Enough Time by Unknown)
I love days off. More than that, I love call nights where I get almost 8 hours of (uninterrupted, but still restful) sleep and then have 2 days off back to back after that. That's virtually 3 days off people. 3!

I spent most of yesterday trying to figure out how to do Laura's wedding and Ireland in 1 week. I have a feeling that Ireland isn't going to happen. :( It'll be okay. I've been fretting about the cost anyhow--while the tickets are supercheap (as in $500 dollars. Yes, you read that right.) and never will be so again, I'm in tons of debt still from moving and all of my travels last year. So being a little more frugal isn't a bad thing. A boring thing, when I was so yearning to be a world traveler again and see the Cliffs of Moor and the Blarney stone and practice my grotesque Irish accent.

I'm still mulling over her engagement. I've always known that Laura would be the first of the D****** sisters to get married. She's always been the athletic, pretty, popular one, whereas Karin and I have been much more plain. In high school, where I struggled to make friends (and fared a little better than Karin did, which is saying something), Laura was the queen as she was funny, smart and friendly. She's had dozen of boyfriends (not that she's introduced any of them to the family) and I figured she's be married by the time she was 21, so I'm really happy that Laura's undergone a few more years of maturity.

I just wish I wasn't such a failure, a nonstarter in the relationship department. I think it comes down to jealousy. That even though I knew that Laura's much more dateable and marriageable, I still had hoped that somehow it would be me first.

Enough with that.

When I was tired of manipulating days and http://www.sidestep.com (the best website for travel. It looks at every site and you can find really good deals), I found myself on YouTube watching episodes of Dr. Who. Yay! Finally! I've wanted to watch this show for absolutely forever, ever since [livejournal.com profile] eponine119 started posting about it on her LJ and wrote this awesome Sawyer/Dr. Who crossover which I adored even though I had never seen the show. Then all of my flist seemed to be going Dr. Who fanatic and David Tennant was that nerdy cute that makes my heart go thud, but I didn't have cable to watch it and the Blockbusters down the road didn't carry it, so I thought I was never going to get to watch it.

And then, behold the power of YouTube.

So far I've seen The Girl in the Fireplace, Christmas Invasion, Doomsday, The Impossible Planet, The Satan Pit, The Idiot's Lantern, part of The Parting of the Ways, and The Runaway Bride. It's cheesy, but a good cheesy. :) And David Tennant is just lovely. Which others do you recommend and which should I stay away from?

Other browsing squees of the day:

I haven't been the biggest fan of the Harry Potter movies as they always seem to let me down, but I do like the previews and the behind the scenes look and the next one at least looks amazing so far. Helen Bonham Carter looks absolutely perfect for Bellatrix, as does the young Evanna Lynch as Luna. I'm so so on Umbridge.

Anyway, behind the scenes clips of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix .

Two Phillip Pullman books are being made into movies. One, The Ruby in the Smoke, is a BBC production and stars Billie Piper for the Dr. Who fans (see, everything comes back to that show!), and will be playing on Masterpiece Theater on Feb. 4. Between that and Jane Erye playing this weekend, it's almost enough to entice me to get cable again.

The Golden Compass is also coming to the big screen and it looks fabulous. So excited and can't wait for the trailer!


Jul. 11th, 2006 11:07 pm
jcd1013: (Default)
My patient, the one who threw me out of the room, thanked me profusely today for giving him great care and helping him get better. It might have been because I had just signed his discharge orders and he was getting out of there.

I must admit to having a thrill of satisfaction when I read in the nursing report that he threw out the lab drawers this morning and refused to let them poke him as well. So it may not have been just me (although, to be honest, I definitely contributed).

Down to one patient, who should have been discharged two days ago (he was the other patient was was mad at me yesterday. Today, he was all sunshine and wit... I'm not sure that he remembered who I was). Every day, I get thwarted on my plans to ship him out and back to the other service, where he does need treatment. Tomorrow. Tomorrow, that's what Annie sang. It's going to happen tomorrow.

On call again tomorrow as well, all night. The chief resident messed up our schedule (or rather, we didn't understand his motivations for the schedule and switched things on Saturday, making them even more messed up). I'm not sure that I'm fully ready for the "excitement" that being the cross cover provides again.

P.S. I think Orlando should stick to the tried and true action adventure movies. Drama, he does not do (although I think a crummy script contributed to the dismal Elizabethtown), and I don't think he's cute, unless he's wielding a sword or a bow and arrow. Then I swoon. I haven't been to the movies in months, and I was such a fangirl! So much fun!
jcd1013: (LOST-Jack sitting by _daffodil)
Six days. In six days (less really), I'll be flying to Kenya. I can't believe it is coming so soon. I have so much that I have to do to get ready. All that stuff that I said here that I needed to do? Haven't done yet. I haven't even gotten my immunizations done yet (I've been dreading more shots. I can do just about everything else - pap smears, blood draws, whatever - but I dread shots. My muscles contract instantly when they inject the fluid and my arm aches for days. Ugh), but those should be done shortly. Luckily I don't need series shots or anything, so I could theoretically get them done on Thursday, but I don't like the idea of procrastinating that much! I have the next week off to get everything done, and I hope to borrow a lot of stuff from World-Travelling Guru Chris, so it should all get done.

My computer is still dead. I'm unable to get it to power up to more than a black screen now. But, by a bizarre, unexpected move, I do have a laptop to take to Kenya. I have a class that I have to take, and because I'm going to be in Kenya for the start of it, I had to go to a special orientation yesterday. I sympathized with the director over his computer difficulties, told him of my own, and somehow walked out with an old laptop that was used once upon a time in the course to take with me to Kenya. It's slower, but it has wireless internet access, so I think I'm set.

I do have news, though. I got an email, a Very Important Email.Cut to be kind )

With Utah off the consideration list, I know for certain that in less than six months I will be in either Milwaukee, Indianapolis, Stony Brook NY or Buffalo NY (I think that that is the order that I'll be submitting my Match List). It has started to wreck havoc on my emotions. I haven't quite out and out bawled, but the tears just well up for almost no apparent reason. I cried at The Simpsons the other night (granted it was my favorite Simpsons episode ever, when Maggie is born. The ending where Homer has put up all of her baby pictures and it says "Do It For Her"? Gets me every time.), when watching Pride and Prejudice (such an excellent movie. Of course, it wasn't the A&E version, but they did a reasonable job of distilling it down and it felt like Jane Austen. And Mr. Darcy was suitably broody with penetrating eyes, so I was happy), when saying goodbye to Chris afterwards and finding out that he did excellent in his courses last semester, and telling him about the email. I cried on the drive home, realizing how much I hated the thought of leaving him. I copied that driving home last night when it hit me that I would be missing Laura's birthday next year, that her kids will be growing up without me, that not only am I missing Liz's wedding, but there won't be any more dinners out and movie mocking fests. These are the people who have been my closest friends and companions for 9 years and I'll be leaving them all behind. I haven't done that before. I moved from home when I was 18, but besides my family, there were few that I missed.

I'm not sure on Match Day, if I find out that I'm going to Milwaukee that I'm going to be bouncing up and down - or crying my eyes out on my pillow.
jcd1013: (Write-pen words)
A Long and Painful Reign of Terror Will Come to An End

This has honestly made my day. I can't recall ever getting better news!! (I'm ignoring that bit about the threat of a spinoff. Don't bring down my good mood!)

(Sorry to the Arrested Development fans--I myself could never get into it, but I know it had a following.)

On the home front, I had my "Here's What to Expect in Kenya" meeting on Thursday. I don't know if it made me more excited or more terrified. :) Probably both. I'll have a lot of opportunity there to do tons of procedures (spinal taps, chest tubes and drains, abdominal fluid draining, blood gases, etc.) that I'm really looking forward to--it will really make things in intern year just a little better if I have some practical experience. I'll see a lot of bizarre and interesting diseases that I'll never see here, and I'll have a lot of autonomy with my patients. But as thrilling as all of this sounds, there's the downsides--such as not having residents and attendings around to be of help when I really need it, seeing a lot of death, not having a toilet in the hospital (!!! Apparently there's a hole in the ground. They did build a new pediatric building next to the hospital, with running water and a toilet, so all isn't lost, but ... ) The living conditions in the student dorms leave something to be desired--no hot water, no toilets, bugs and mice (shudder), but I was willing to endure it, until I found out that nobody else is staying there. The other medical student and the residents are staying at the "Compound" where they have wireless internet and three meals a day, as well as all the basic necessities listed above (hopefully, minus the mice). So I think I'll be upgrading. Maybe. The cost for the dorms is less than $100 dollars, that for the compound is over $400.

So I have to start getting my vaccinations next week (yellow fever, tetanus, typhoid, polio booster, meningococcal, pneumococcal - and the flu one, which I keep finding excuses to put it off. I know, I know, I was so sick last year and with the threat of bird flu, I should be doing my part as a health care worker, but I hate shots!). Then malaria medications, and antibiotics for the unavoidable "intestinal distress" that comes with traveling to a third world country. Permethrin to soak my cloths in. Etc.

Anybody been to Amsterdam? Any ideas of what to see? Where to stay? I did figure out my tickets so that I could afford to go down to South Africa, but it meant a two day layover in Amsterdam, rather than London. When I told Chris, his first response was that I was NOT to go out at night, or I'd be seeing things that I wouldn't want to see. LOL! I had hoped that there would be time to take a train up to Denmark and see my extended family whom I've never met, but uh, Europe is a little bigger than I thought and it'd take me a day to get there. But I might pop over to Germany. We'll see. In Europe, if you cross country borders, do you get a stamp on your passport, or do you have to fly into the country?

I have my third interview on Monday--but it's my first internal medicine interview (the last two were neurology interviews). It's here at my school, I know everybody well, so hopefully, it'll be a better experience than Minnesota. I have dinner with the residents tomorrow night, the casual "get to know the program dinner", where I get fed for free. NICE! Then on Wednesday, I fly to Wisconsin for two days of interviews. They are one of the four schools that have the combined program that I want--the five year Medicine/Neurology program--and theirs looks the best of them all--well organized curriculum, good patient mix, three hospitals, etc. I've been excited about their program for a long time, so I'm really praying that it goes well. Wish me luck, guys. I really could use it!

I saw Elizabethtown with Chris this week, and I gotta admit--I was horribly disappointed. I mean, I didn't have grand expectations--I had read the reviews and realized that it wasn't going to be more than mediocre. But I expected some attraction between the leads, and some plot and dialog! Instead it was 2 hours and 18 minutes of random music that didn't really fit with anything. The last 1/2 was good, and if the rest had been like that, I don't think I would have been so utterly disappointed. Orlando was cute, but I think that was it's only redeeming quality.

My sister finally bought Firefly, so I've been slowly making my way through the series. Wow, what a fantastic show. It's witty and brilliant and everything that everybody has been saying about it! :) I LOVE IT! The more I watch though, the sadder I get at the thought of there only being 14 episodes! If there was ever was a show that needed to be resurrected, that would be it. !4 episodes, and we got ten years too many of 7th Heaven. It is an unfair world, my friends.

BTW, I got my fanfiction generator fixed (I keep forgetting how wonderful my web host is. I sent them my code and within 5 minutes they had fixed the problem - apparently I had some "windows only" code. If I had done that when I started having problems!). So, for the LOST fans, try it out here and for the Gilmore Girls fans, I made a special one just for you right here. I think that some of the minor characters might be a little too minor, but I'd like your opinion. Use it! Promote It! Be Inspired! Write a story that you never thought you would! Write Jess! Do It! You know you want to!


Oct. 6th, 2005 09:43 pm
jcd1013: (Voyager-ship by Jim)
So I finally got to see Serenity today.

Having never watched an episode of Firefly, the little bit that I knew about the movie/show came from my lovely flist. LOL! I toyed with the idea of renting the videos this past week, but I've been so busy, and so maybe it'll turn into another X-Files thing where I've gotten completely devoted to a show after watching the movie on which it was based.

My short review: Loved it. There were some parts that were the tiniest bit confusing, but overall I really enjoyed it. Joss has the amazing ability to even make violence look pretty. It really was my type of movie--the sci-fi like adventures, the "Han Solo" type captain and relationship with his ship (Georgie so should have hired Joss to write his screenplay) and beyond funny. I do feel the need to see it again, but it'll probably have to wait until the dollar theaters, because have you seen the number of good movies coming out?? I was compiling a list of movies that I want to see and I think I'm in double digits. Double digits. And that's just until Christmas!

I'm going to be so poor. :)

Only me.

Aug. 31st, 2005 12:27 am
jcd1013: (AoGG-Anne not good by frey_at_last)
I just managed to fall down a flight of stairs. In front of several gawking movie-goers who all were wondering how I did it. Especially since it seems to happen in slow motion, with Chris reaching out to grab me and me twisting around to save myself, thudding down the four hardly padded stairs.

Apparently, I can't talk and walk at the same time. I'd better stay away from the bubble gum.

I hurt. My entire left side hurts from my shoulder to my ankle which I twisted badly. Tomorrow's going to be fun getting around.

The Brothers Grimm by the way was a bizarre and crazy movie. Quite the adventure. :)

Night all. *limps off to bed*
jcd1013: (Joseph Campbell Bliss by Fileg)
I thought this summer would be as most summers. Bereft of new episodes of my favorite shows, my only other option of shows to watch would be old reruns of M*A*S*H. And then, I switched to the USA channel for some good L&O: SVU, and within minutes was hooked on "The 4400". I had seen it advertised last year, and thought that it was some show about Jehovah's Witnesses and the religious Armageddon (*blush* What? 4400 is pretty to 144,000!) and it just didn't seem like my kind of show.

Boy was I wrong! My sister filled me in on the premise and what happened last season, and I've become completely absorbed. The acting is incredible--really well done from everybody, the storyline's great, and it feels like old time X-Files--without the monsters-of-the-week. I'm so excited!

Tagged by [livejournal.com profile] eponine119!

Fandom meme )

Saw the preview for the new Pride and Prejudice movie... To me, the Bible of P&P will always be the A&E version--I can watch all 5 hours of it, and have numerous times, and not even notice the time passing. Could you even imagine a Mr. Darcy who is not Colin Firth? Sacrilege! But trying to be fair, Keira Knightly at least looks the age of Elizabeth, which unfortunately, Jennifer Ehle did not. And hopefully, this time, Jane will actually be the prettiest girl in the town, rather than the horse-looking girl with the funky neck and side curls. I mean, I snickered every time Elizabeth said "and you are quite five times as pretty as the rest of us" wondering what their standards of beauty were back then. It does look like that it will be an enjoyable 2 hours though, and yes, I do admit to being excited for it.

And the preview for RENT?? Jesse Martin singing??Add to that Ewan McGregor is playing Sky Masterson! Sky! *swoon* Anybody wanna do a London trip? :)
jcd1013: (Default)
Got a big white envelope in the mail this afternoon, from the National Board of Medical Examiners.

My heart seriously dropped to the bottom of my toes. I wasn't expecting my results for at least another week. Tore the envelope open, with help from my sister (my fingers were shaking so badly) and....

I've been selected to participate in a survey of those who took the Boards.

Bastards. The least that they could do is put some kind of warning on the envelope that it did NOT contain Board results. Right now, I honestly think I don't want to know.

It's just been one of those days. Matt came by today, to drop off some books I lent him... I haven't seen him for a couple of months now, and thought that he was purged from the system. Nope. Got that whole twittery, gut on the floor (hey, that's twice today. Must be a record) at his voice and he's looking good. Too good. And when he said that he had missed seeing me.... Guh. It's so hard to remind myself that this crush of two years hasn't progressed at all and isn't going to. He's either not interested (most likely) or just pathologically shy and it's not going to change. Period.

And of course, my face chose today to break out and I was wearing my greasy glasses to give my poor eyes a break. I'm sure I looked fabulous.

Saw Spiderman with Chris and Melissa. They didn't like it so much... I did. Well, except for the scene where the doctors and nurses were all killed--that was a little too graphic. I remember with the first one, the first time I saw it, I didn't like it so much because of the clich├ęd writing, but got over it after reading that that was the point--to make it sound like it came from the comic books. That was their complaint today. Ah, well, next time I'll see it with a more sympathetic crowd.

Rotations are going great. I've seen a couple of births and a c-sections and followed several patients in "my care." Next week, I'm hoping to actually "catch the baby" and deliver it (with help of course). Birth is amazing, and I really like being around patients like this--mostly healthy, young women about my age and then being able to participate in this special time of their lives. Who knows, maybe I'll end up going into OB, it's definitely on the list to consider now. I have call on Monday night and then all of Saturday. I hope I can handle it! Me being up for more than 24 hours seems like a bad idea.
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