(Typed yesterday. Apparently all it took was connecting his internet to my computer. Sometimes I amaze myself.)
I am an extremely private person.
Those of you who have been reading this journal might be surprised to hear that, seeing as I am usually open and excessively verbose on this forum, but it's true. Two and a half years ago, when I started this journal, I never foresaw that I would use it in such a way. At first, this was a place where I could update my faithful readers on the progress of my stories, or rant about not getting reviews, or expound on events in the world. Quickly, that mutated and became my actual journal--the place where I recorded my daily events and inner thoughts--things that I actually wasn't telling friends in real life.
In conversation, I'm more than likely to start asking questions to my partner, and I rarely volunteer information (you'll find that's true if you IM with me as well!). You ask, I'm more than willing to answer (and then I talk too much!) -- but you have to ask first. Part of it's probably leftover from high school damage, the other is probably my personal psychological issues. I'm not really an introvert because I love being around people and I can usually charm anybody and expound on any issue. But I don't talk about my current crushes, my dating life, my frustrations and insecurity--unless it's 3 o'clock in the morning when I'm weak and vulnerable--then I'll spill all of my secrets. (That's why, besides the religious/spiritual reasons, that I will never touch alcohol. If sleepiness can make me so inhibited, I hate to think what alcohol would do). In college, Susan got me to talk, Sam and Liz can once in a while, but otherwise, I'm pretty close-lipped--I don't even tell Chris half of what I say here!
Talking to the "outside world" has been different. This LJ has really allowed me to open up and be myself completely. As much as I care about all of you in friendlist land, I still don't have to see your faces, your reactions after you read my entries, and that makes it easier, a little less personal. I can still pretend that I'm writing to myself in my private little journal, while getting the gratification of response and insight from other people--who don't personally know who I'm talking about. And I can indulge myself in my gushings about fandom related stuff - something that I really try to rein in with real conversations for the sanity of all. It's been perfect, I've made close friends, developed my writing skills, and found the vent that I needed.
Why am I saying all of this? Becka and I were talking yesterday about courage, taking chances and being open.--she's been an amazing role model for that. I still can't go up to any current crushes and demand that they notice me, but I did decide to make one very big, courageous (and completely unrelated) move for me.
My friends had been bugging me to tell them about all of my interviews and trips--and every time I opened up an email window, I froze. I couldn't figure out how to say what I wanted to say--even though I had already said it here. It seemed so mechanical to write "and then I did this, and I decided this." I thought about cutting and pasting from LJ--but so much of what's been going on has been a process that it would have been a really really long email!
So for the first time, I made my entries public (for the time being. It makes me nervous being completely exposed to the crazies out there) ... and I told my real life friends about my blog and pointed them all here.
Plethora, dear friends of mine, welcome to the ramblings and insights of Julia. I'm really nervous about this, much like if I had handed over my personal diary and read over your shoulder, watching your reactions. I hope you're not too offended with me for keeping this from you. Feel free to make yourself at home--comment if you like, say hi to everyone else, get an LJ so I can make you legitimate and friend you properly. In some ways, I think I may have to ignore your presence until I get used to this--don't take it personally, it's just going to take me some time to adjust.
(More stories to come, including the excitement of 12 standardized patients in 6 hours plus 30 minutes for a "light meal" and another 15 minutes of break, where they threw away my cookie. Meanies. But I think I passed.)